Rome, NY Sucks

But At Least We're Not Utica

Monday, December 31, 2012

In 2013

I "predicted" the firing of Keith Olbermann, which is about as much of a sure thing as there can be in this world. Yet again, the world has not been destroyed and I embark on another decade of this thing with

Predictions for 2013

1. Novelty stationery businesses go out of business when "Mayan Calendars" don't sell. The calendars consist of twelve blank pages.

2. Democrats propose a 1 trillion dollar bailout of calendar manufacturers.

3. At 12:01am on 1/1/13, China begins a hostile takeover of the United States. The plan falls apart due to shoddy workmanship and sub-par materials.

4. Obama "care" becomes the law of the land. New provisions like random urine tests and rectal exams prove less popular than the White House expected.

5. Mitt Romney prepares to move his family back to Mexico, along with all the people in the heart of Philadelphia's slums who voted for him.

6. Hillary Clinton slips into a brief coma. She wakes up to find she has that future predicting power from Stephen King's "The Dead Zone."

7. When Clinton shakes President Obama's hand after returning to work, she has a horrific vision of a post-apocalyptic future. She's not very surprised.

8. After moving to Mexico, it is discovered that Mitt Romney is actually funding the country's space program using Newt Gingrich's idea for a moon base.

9. Romney decides that not enough people can be saved with a rocket to the moon. He places a big sign stating "Super Expensive Vacation Home with Free Female Impersonator Dresses and Steam Room." Mr. and Mrs. Obama are drawn to it like moths to a flame.

10. With Barack Obama finally being a non-resident alien and Biden missing on a fact finding mission in an Irish pub, John Boehner becomes president. After a severe beating by his Congressional caucus, he does a mostly acceptable job.

11. The moon explodes due to mismanagement. The Maya were close.

Boom! And Happy New Year!


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