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Saturday, December 31, 2011

In 2012

After a three-year run of at least one partially correct prediction, I came up empty for 2011. This year, I will boldly go on making guesses that are about 3% accurate

Predictions for 2012
1. Mitt Romney "wins" the Iowa caucuses with a sad 19% of the vote. He pledges to fight so hard that he will continue to get the bare mathematical minimum to win any contest.

2. President Obama, drunk with power, starts marking Arab leaders for death by announcing "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

3. The spokesman for an Arab interest group protests the use of the phrase "lack of faith" as offensive to followers of Islam. Shortly after, he goes into a choking fit.

4. Approval ratings for the administration improve after the revelation of Operation Ice Pirates. The state department funnels advanced solar technology to drug cartels in Mexico. Those whose equipment did not blow up and kill them are captured when it breaks down.

5. Keith Olbermann loses favor with Current TV when he is pulled from coverage of Republican primary contests. Olbermann takes to Twitter to express his outrage and look for a new multi million dollar job. Major League Baseball finally offers to hire him if he only talks about politics 1% of the time, during the commercial breaks.

6. Japan recovers from the damage of last year's tsunamis and radiation leaks. However, some of the nuclear material runs into the ocean and reanimates Osama bin Laden as a 50ft monster. When Obama tries his "lack of faith" stuff, his head explodes due to the superior evil magic of Oszilla.

7. The Church of Latter Day Saints gets a public relations boost when Mitt Romney destroys Oszilla with one of Joseph Smith's golden plates.

8. Apple experiences a colossal failure when it introduces the iBlob, a vat of goo that you climb into to be connected to everything. "Take the blue pill" becomes the worst marketing slogan in history.

9. Tea Party groups endorse Rick Santorum instead of Romney. Mitt decides to go third party.

10. Occupy Wall Street has no purpose after Obama's head explodes. They wander the streets, talking incoherently and soiling themselves. No one notices the difference.

11. After telling Joe Biden to go to hell, Hillary Clinton joins with Mitt Romney in his third party run. With the choice of Santorum / Gingrich, Biden / Baldwin or Romney / Clinton, a third-party finally wins the White House.

12. Predictably, the election is followed by the end of the world.


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