Rome, NY Sucks

But At Least We're Not Utica

Monday, December 31, 2007

In 2008

As 2007 draws to a close, I thought I would offer some misguided insight into the year that is 2008. If only they can be as entertaining as my 2007 predictions.

1. Interrogation techniques meet the writer's strike when "Celebrity Waterboarding" hits the airwaves.

2. Hillary Clinton has a Howard Dean-esque meltdown after losing the Iowa Caucuses. In her case, she bruns down several members of the media with her before now unseen eye lasers.

3. Obama calls for sanctions on eye beams, while Edwards pledges to crack down on eye beam manufacturers.

4. Michael Bloomberg runs for President as an independent. His campaign stalls when his anti-fat, anti-smoking, anti-drinking and anti-TV watching platform is unfortunately named the "Final Solution to Poor Health."

5. David Duke endorses Bloomberg.

6. ABC attempts a clever solution to the writer's strike when it airs "The Lost Episodes." Ratings fall when people realize they're just old episodes of Lost.

7. Don Imus endorses John McCain for president, on the condition that Joe Lieberman is his running mate. The endorsement comes long after McCain drops out.

8. In late 2008, Imus gets angry and calls his audeince a bunch or honky cracker &*()^&(*^) %$&*$s. He then rides off on a horse, gets thrown, and loses his other lung.

9. CNN's Lou Dobbs, champion of political independents, responds to Bloomberg's campaign with "Screw it, vote none of the above."

10. None of the Above wins the presidency with 135 delegates. President Bush goes on air and congratulates an imaginary President-Elect.

11. An emergency election is held with 200 million candidates, excluding Bloomberg, the two party nominees and George W. Bush.

We won't know the results until 2009, but Sanjaya is leading in the polls. Seacrest, Out!

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