Rome, NY Sucks

But At Least We're Not Utica

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

In 2014

It's 5 o'clock New Year's Day somewhere. Right now, I think that place is Dubai. Yet again, I hang on to a tradition that started with notes passed around a high school classroom and onto the electronic pages of a nearly dead blog. If I get any followers, maybe I'll take the show to my Twitter page. Until then, I have some

Predictions for 2014
  1. Twitter goes out of business, but only after it is sold to a bunch of old white investors for $10 billion dollars.
  2. Drone tests in Texas turn out badly as residents try and succeed at shooting many down.
  3. Amazon stock plummets as consumers learn their drone shipping plan is actually part of an NSA spying program.
  4. Yahoo becomes the new leader in online shopping when they use carrier pigeons to deliver small electronics.
  5. Tweets are replaced by an app called Angry Pigeons where you can order a bird to deliver a note or crap on someone, whichever is preferred.
  6. The Department of Health and Human Services, home of Obamacare overlords, is overrun with bird droppings.
  7. Kathleen Sebelius catches the avian flu and is sentenced to an Obamacare death panel when it is shown she never paid for her platinum plan.
  8. Just to mess with everyone, Tea Party candidates start running as Democrats when Republican leadership gives them the cold shoulder.
  9. After multiple forced host resignations, MSNBC decides to try an actual news format. Ratings plummet among their key demographic, hipster doofuses in ironic pajama onsies.
  10. Democrats win the House and the Senate, but most of them are Tea Party candidates who pledged to start impeachment hearings. Other Democrats start to go along.
  11. Obama, after realizing impending doom, goes to an Obamacare doctor for depression treatment. He is in a vegetative state within 24 hours, but no one can tell the difference.
  12. Joe Biden creates a drone president, but the public soon discovers that it is just a CPR dummy with a football for a head. They prefer it over Biden 2:1.
I for one, salute our new president Football Head.

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